Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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