Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
