she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
