You're my little dorito
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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