It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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