I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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