I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
