Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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