How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
