there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
