So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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