SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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