Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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