I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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