we're chasing vodka with high fives
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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