he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
