Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
