I accidentally had phone sex last night
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
