whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
