So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
