I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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