How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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