he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Im part way to drunk.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Drunk is not a location!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
