wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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