I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
