I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
You work out of a Hotel?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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