the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I don't deserve a penis
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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