I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
