i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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