I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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