I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
