i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
