sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
