Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
