Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
