I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
