Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
