Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
