I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I will be naked everywhere
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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