Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
