I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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