how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
