Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
