Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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