just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
