Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
