the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
There's always time for handjobs
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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