I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
