I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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