Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
