he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
