the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
