We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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