He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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