I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
